By Myself
by riizu
Summary: Songfic. Minor, implied yaoi (W+V), implied Rem+V. Non-violant, just some angst. Warning: spoilers for the last four episodes of the enitre series!!


Author's note: You are now witness to Yunikon's very first Fanfic!! "And there was much rejoicing" ::crowd is monotonous and sounding bored:: "yay"   
  
Disclaimer: Trigun and Trigun Maximum belong to Nightow-sensei, not me. The song isn't mine either. It's "By Myself" by Linkin Park.   
  
R&R please!   
  
Warning: Massive spoilers for the end of the anime, especially the last 2 episodes of the series. Veeerrrry little yaoi. pairing: V+W (implied) and Rem+Vash  
  
Legend:   
/blah/ - thoughts  
-----  
blah - song  
-----  
  
  
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By Myself  
  
  
He was running. His vision blurred by his tears. I he couldn't see anything, hear anything... except maybe his thoughts. He didn't need to see to go where he was going. /hell/ he thought. /That's my destiny. My own private hell./   
  
-----  
What do I do to ignore them behind me?   
Do I follow my instincts blindly?   
-----  
  
He fell to his knees with a shout. Throwing back his head in a desperation he hadn't felt since Rem's death. "WHY?!!?!?!" He screamed. ".. why?.." his voice became weak and coarse, like someone who'd been crying for too long. The tears kept coming in a steady stream. He was so confused. Nearly all his life had been spent listening to Rem's teachings, only to betray them at a most critical moment.   
  
-----  
Do I hide my pride/From those bad dreams   
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?   
Do I/Sit here and try to stand it?   
-----  
  
His eyes clouded over once again as he pictured his love's face. She'd been so beautiful. More beautiful than the flowers she loved so much. He dropped his face into his hands and cried. "I failed you Rem" he whispered. "I tried to follow your ideals. I believed in them. But I failed you!"   
His mind flew back to the last time he'd seen Legato. The wind whipped at his coat and hair, threatening to knock him right off his feet. His arm was stretched out in front of him; his huge, silver gun protruding awkwardly from his outstretched hand. The barrel was still smoking, but he didn't notice. He was paralyzed. His gaze riveted on the spot Legato had been standing.   
  
A single tear fell unnoticed from the corner of his eye. Meryl and Millie stared in shock and the previously violent townspeople collapsed into a heap of unconscious bodies. The two women barely noticed as they continued to stare at the man before them.   
  
The wind blew harder. Whipping Legato's jacket around his lifeless body as blood flowed from his wound. His face was calm and unmoved as it had been since the beginning. He seemed neither in pain nor relieved. He had served his purpose.   
  
-----  
Or do I/Try to catch them red handed?   
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,   
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?   
-----  
  
He blinked back into awareness realized where he was. He saw his brother in his mind. He had loved him. He still did. It hurt so much when he couldn't even trust his own brother. He was so afraid. Afraid he would become like Knives; hating humans and killing without any thought to another's life.   
  
He'd tried so hard to distance himself from Meryl and Millie. Tears fell again as he remembered his second love... "Nick..." he whispered... Everyone he'd ever cared about had gotten hurt or killed. How many times had he tried to lose them between towns? To get them to leave and stop risking their lives for him?   
  
Feeling a hand on his shoulder, he turned his reddened eyes to Meryl's. With a sigh, he got to his feet and walked past her without a word, right before he began to sway. Meryl came up behind him quickly and grabbed his waist scolding him, "Vash! You're hurt! You should be in bed!!" Carefully, she guided him back to the hotel where he'd been resting before.   
  
As they paused before the door, Vash looked down into Meryl's worried face. He put on a huge, concealing smile, "Do we have any donuts?"   
  
-----  
Because I can't hold on/when I'm stretched so thin   
I make the right moves but I'm lost within   
I put on my daily facade but then   
I just end up getting hurt again   
By myself [myself]   
I ask why, but in my mind   
I find I can't rely on myself   
-----  
  
Meryl's visibly relaxed at his tone. He was getting better. Better everyday. "Millie's gone to get us something to eat. And yes, there are donuts." She said, before he could ask a second time. Meryl laughed at the look of joy on his face. Millie came back then with an armload of food and started giggling when she saw Meryl laughing at Vash, even though she had no idea what was going on.   
  
-----  
I can't hold on   
[To what I want when I'm stretched so thin]   
It's all too much to take in   
I can't hold on   
[To anything watching everything spin   
With thoughts of failure sinking in   
-----  
  
The next morning, Vash woke to see Meryl cooking on the other side of the room. He sat up and winced as he belatedly remembered his injuries. At his sharp intake of breath, Meryl spun around in surprise, nearly knocking the pot of the stove. "Vash! You're awake." Vash gave her a knowing look. One that seemed to shout 'No kidding.' Meryl turned the flame down on the stove and, just before she left, reminded Vash that he had to eat and get his strength up.   
  
Vash sat up in the middle of the bed, the sheets pooling around his waist, falling from his bare, scare covered chest. His hair fell limp as he slumped forward, falling into his eyes. He pushed his bangs from his forehead and a single tear fell. Through the blurriness, his eyes fell on something that shined and seemed to wink at him in the sunlight.   
  
Rubbing his eyes like a little kid, he reached out blindly and his fingers touched cold steel. He wrapped his hands around it, feeling instantly comforted. Turning it around in hands, he let himself relax and remember the day Knives had given him this gun. He had always felt closer to his brother when he held it. He grasped the gun, cocking it and placeing his finger on the trigger. Closing his eyes he pictued his brother as he'd last seen him.   
  
-----  
If I/turning my back I'm defenseless   
And to go blindly seems senseless   
If I hide my pride and let it all go/then they'll   
Take from me till everything is gone   
-----  
  
Much as he wanted to see his brother again, he knew what would happen. He was expecting it now, ever since his last confrontation with Legato. He knew Knives wanted him to join him. Suddenly, he was washed over with a new sense of hope. One of his own, natural smiles crossed his face when he finally made his decision.   
  
-----  
If I let them go I'll be outdone   
But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun   
If I'mkilled by the questions like a cancer   
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer   
[Myself]   
-----  
  
He leapt out of bed to grab his clothes off his chair from across the room. As he bent down to pick up his pants off the chair, all he heard was a feminin gasp. He glanced towards the door to see Meryl standing in the doorway, her face beat red. Belatedly realizing he was naked, his reflexes kicked in and he strategically placed his gun in front of himself.   
  
"uh.." his face red now, too, they both laughed nervously as Meryl slowly began to turn to leave the room. With a relieved sigh, Vash pulled on his clothes and stepped out of the hotel. Meryl was standing there, as if she'd known he was leaving. They spoke for a few minutes until Millie came bouncing up the stairs.   
  
"Well, I guess it's goodbye then." Vash turned to leave when Millie stopped him.   
  
"Wait Mr. Vash!" Millie went scampering off and secondes later came back with Wolfwood's giant cross. "Please, Mr. Vash. I know he would want you to have it."  
  
Millie placed the giant thing easily in front of Vash. He moved to pick it up. With a grunt "it's heavy!"   
  
Millie smiled at him in that special cheerful way she has and said with a grin "That's because it's full of compassion!"   
  
Vash smiled at that. Remembering his old friend and love he pulled the giant cross onto his back.   
  
"Goodbye Mr. Vash!" Millie waved enthusiastically. Vash turned, gave them both a smile and wave, then walked off into the sunset. This time, with a purpose. 


End file.
